Open Heart Project

What did you do?

I decided to improve my limited human form with technology!  And have a bit of fun in the process!

Why did you do it?

I wanted to improve my overall health, athletic ability, stamina, and possibly even lifespan!  And I didn't want to work at it day after day after day.  I was willing to work hard, sure.  Even make a few sacrifices.  But once it was done, I wanted it to be done.  Athletes are awesome, don't get me wrong.  But many of them get paid to do the things they do.  They have a reason to keep doing it.  I don't.  So I need a permanent solution.

Plus, the human heart can have problems, amirite?  Heart-attacks, heart disease, stopping abruptly just because you stuck a fork in the toaster... These are things we shouldn't have to live with coming from something we have to live with.

Or do we?

That's the question I wanted to answer!

How did this happen?

First, you have to understand that the human heart is just a pump.  It is a very POWERFUL pump, but it's a pump nevertheless.  It pumps about 1.25 gallons per minute,[1]http://www.arheart.com/cardiovascular-health/amazing-heart-facts/ or so I've read.

Second, you have to understand WHY your heart needs to pump stuff.  Well, the stuff is called "blood" and most people have a red version.[2]Source: Most "Mortal Kombat" games.  It carries oxygen to your muscles.  This oxygen comes from your lungs and is needed by your various parts to perform work.  It's a pretty neat system.

What's wrong with this system then?

Well, as for the lungs, they require lots of training to become efficient.  That takes time out of your day.  It also means that sometimes you get "out of breath" from physical exertion.  That experience isn't always super fun.  But no matter how efficient your lungs are, once the blood in them is saturated with oxygen, they can't add any more.  What we need is a way to get more blood flow to those lungs of ours!

As for the heart, your brain regulates how fast it goes.  Sometimes my brain makes it go too fast when I don't want it to go so fast.  And sometimes not fast enough, like in the mornings when I'm having trouble getting out of bed.  Sure, doctors can install pacemakers, but those are for people who really need them.  And even if you had a doctor do that for you, you can only overdrive your heart so much before you start to hurt it.  If only there was a better way...

Behold:  The Iron Earthquake

"The Iron Earthquake" is a gas powered pump.  It's simple.  Fill it up with gas, connect it to a hose, and pull the starter cord.  Done.  This sucker can provide 38 gallons per minute!  Way more than that old thing in your chest.  While there are many gas-powered pumps out there on the market, I chose this one mainly because it was called "The Iron Earthquake."  And that just sounds super rad!  Plus blood has iron, right?

All you need is this baby, some basic plumbing, some quick disconnect fittings, and some check valves and you are in business.  You'll need the check valves to keep blood going the right direction in an event that you run out of gas.  And you'll need the quick disconnects to remove your new auxiliary heart when you aren't running/jumping/climbing trees or the like.

I can understand wanting to remove it - that looks heavy.  Why do I want this?

Well, you won't want it all the time.  Just when you need an extra burst of energy.  Maybe the car won't start and you are late for work.  Plug this guy in and run there!  Maybe little Timmy fell down the well.  A couple tugs on the cord and you'll dig him out with your bare hands!

Even the simple act of pulling the starter cord makes you feel like you've downed a few cups of coffee.  When it's idling you feel like you can tackle anything your job demands of you - if only you were allowed to use violence at work.  At full bore you'll want to take up wrestling with rhinos, but you'll probably get bored doing it.  The best way to describe this feeling is the ad for Powerthirst below.

As for the weight, you most certainly won't mind carrying it around when it's running.  When it's running, instead of just one person, you'll feel like A HUNDRED people!  A hundred people at a really INTENSE PARTY!  But you aren't invited because YOU ARE THE PARTY!  So forget about the weight and just stuff it in a backpack or something.  Or maybe carry it in your teeth.  With the pump engaged the weight of the pump will be the LEAST of your worries...

I'm sure it is hard on your veins and arteries to have that much pressure, but in short bursts, it should be fine, right?  I don't know - I'm not a doctor.  But I recommend carrying some Fiber Fix with you just in case you spring a leak though.  You can patch anything up - allegedly it's as strong as steel!  And it can be used to fix leaks, so it should keep your blood in, right?  I mean, it's great, according to the guy below at least.

Strong as steel?  Great.  How will I get that stuff off of me?

Come on!  Don't be a pansy!  When its time just fire up your heart at about half throttle and you'll have no trouble ripping through it!  If you're still leaking just patch yourself up again and run around the block or something while you scab over.

You'll need something to clean your quick-disconnect fittings though - too much mud and dirt in your blood probably isn't good.  I mean, with all this blood flow your immune system should be kicked into overdrive, right?  I don't really know - you'll probably want to try to disinfect things anyhow.

You can choose to wash with soap and water, then apply fire to kill germs.  That's probably the least absurd way I can think of to do this.  But you'll need metal fittings for that, or they will melt.  Fire is cool though!  Bonus points for using that method!

A second potential method to do this is to just wash everything with everclear.  That should kill most germs, and give you a slight buzz when you start your engine.  A buzz with a buzz, get it?

I'm ready!  How do I hook this thing up?

Well, if you've read this far and you are really truly ready to try this... I'm sorry.  This was a joke.  There are such a great many problems with this idea that I don't even know where to begin... So I'll start here:

Please do not attempt to bypass your heart with anything.. Especially not by yourself.  If that needs to happen for whatever reason, make sure a medical professional is involved.

I hope that didn't need to be said.  But just in case it did, I said it.

Why did you do this to me?  I wanted to be more awesome-er!  And now I'm sad because you got my hopes up and then crushed them.  WHYYYYYY???

Check the date of the post.  Once a year we are all obligated to screw with people for our own amusement.  I hope at least someone besides me got a laugh out of all of this.

Finally, If you really want to improve your performance, get some exercise.  I know, exercise can be difficult, but there's a trick to it - just find something you really enjoy doing, and do that.  If you really enjoy it you won't notice you are exercising!  Be sure to track your progress (speed, reps, whatever metric you can find), but don't pay much attention for a couple of weeks or a month, just track it.  Then, see how far you've come!  And don't try to cheat the system - the human body is amazing.  You be you, and let it be it.  It's far more beautiful that way.